My sincerest apologies

Dear Noni,

“Sometimes you convince yourself that you’re already over someone. You tell yourself that there is no more love left in your heart. The thing is often times, the more you try to convince yourself, the more you realize how much you still and always will, love that person.” (Unknown)

Before I start, I want to say that in order to move on to our future, we must let go of our past. I figured that everything ended with this awful letter, so I wanted to start fresh with you by making corrections to my past errors. I know that you had mentioned that you have read from this letter here and there, and I really want you to have the letter that I should have given you so many months ago. I am hoping that you accept all my corrections.

I will still start light…I am so happy that we spoke last night, it put my mind at ease and made me love you more than I ever thought that I could. I also am so happy that we have been able to speak a lot these past few months; I really look forward to our communications and miss you endlessly when you are not around. As you currently know, I am working really hard on my visa/permit renewal, the submission of a publication to a journal, my report to the head of research in Indonesia, and now a new internal problem with some of the workers on the project here in Pandan. You are the only thing that is preserving my sanity, and for that I will never quit thanking you or likely be able to thank you properly.   

Now again for the heavy…I apologize that this is all in English, but I do not want my words changed in any way from their intended meaning. My hope is that you will read this and be able to speak with me later. I also hold nothing back, and everything that I presently write to you is genuine. With that said, here goes nothing. I have a lot of time in the forest (since I broke up with you) to reflect on me, my life, and everything in it (including others) or out of it (i.e., you). With the prospect of my project’s failure, my potential return to the US, and the possibility of not completing that which I have been striving for in school for so many years, these past months have again left me thinking more about my life (and you) than ever before. This is/was both dangerous and enlightening at the same time. For instance, I now know that I have a good grasp of what I need/want in my life and what I ultimately need/want for my future. You must believe me when I tell you that this feeling has been a long time coming, and I have long worried that I would forever let this life drift past me. Thoughts of you have been my clarity, and opened a world that I thought had all but vanished.  Additionally, I have also been thinking a lot about what I did to you so many months ago, and how scared I was to open up to someone that was willing to offer me everything. I don’t know if I can ever be truly forgiven, but I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to work toward that end.  

I can now honestly say that I see me completing this project here in Sumatra, I see me going back to the United States and writing my dissertation and finally getting my PhD, I see my fiancé coming to visit me before we are married, I see a nice research/teaching position at a university in the United States or somewhere else that will suit my wife and I after I graduate, I see a dog (it has to be a female German Short-Haired Pointer, there are no substitutes for the best) named Grace, I see a small cute rabbit named Nowak (he can’t get too big or he will be eaten), I see a small(er) crème colored house with a green door, I see a beautiful wife who is simply put…sempurna, I see a family and 2-3 children (I don’t care if they are boys or girls, I will love them unconditionally no matter what), I see me buying lots of shoes, I see me supporting my wife unconditionally (no matter with work, school, and/or family), I see me coming to Indonesia with my wife every year so that she can meet with her family and friends, I see me and my wife and I retiring in Indonesia, and finally I see the family and friends of both my wife and I sharing with us what time we have left on this earth. These are now all easy to envision, and I can’t do any of this without YOU!

After losing you once, I now see that it has to be you in that picture and that there are no substitutes for the best. It’s got to be you, and only you!! Since September, there have been many ups and downs and intense discussions between us, but I feel so fortunate to be given a chance to do all of this with you. I know that there are many uncertainties in this world and our potential future, and that we may be scared to devote everything (emotionally, mentally, and physically) to someone else, but I want to do that for you. After the first draft of this letter, I know that you know an awful side of me, but I really want you to know that the love that I feel for you now is unending. I know that last year was completely my fault, and for that I will always be sorry. While I am now just getting to know you again and more fully, I still already know that you need (and deserve) the attention of someone that can devote himself to you fully, so that you may search for those things that you want in your life. I WANT AND NEED TO BE THAT PERSON!

I look forward to us building a strong relationship. I hope that we meet many more times before I go back to the States to finish writing my dissertation and finish my degree. Once in the US writing, I am hoping that you come to visit me and that I can also come to visit you in Indonesia. Then I begin my job search, likely preparing and traveling for job interviews, which I want you to be a part of, so that we may choose a place that is suitable for both of us. Where do we meet during this time? The USA and Indonesia. When/how do we talk? In person, on the phone, through Skype. Where is the time that we grow to know each other? Right now! I currently only see us growing closer every single day that passes, and promise that I will not waste your time or run again. Truthfully, I so desperately want to start a family with you. I am happy to tell you that I am no longer scared of marriage and commitment, as long as you are by my side.  

You are a beautiful and wonderful person, and you deserve to be content and happy in your life, and I know that there are many people that would be lucky to have you!!!! But, I want you for myself and I never want to let you go again. 

I am so sorry for all of the pain that I have already caused you, for previously dragging you into a relationship with an awful person last year, and for the pain that will be present again during and following the reading of this letter. I take complete responsibility for my actions in the past. I know that re-reading this letter is hard, but I hope that you find the current love that I possess for you somewhere in between those hurtful words and the corrections that find themselves everywhere on this page. I thank you for finding it in your heart to forgive me, and allowing me back in your life. I promise to do things the right way this time, and to open all the doors that make up my person and allow you to walk endlessly through the maze that is me. Most importantly, I look forward to our future life together. I don’t know what is in store, but if it is with you it will undeniably be amazing.    

Love,

Matt