Righting the wrongs of the past

11/21/11

Dearest Noni,

I see that the previous version of this email worked so well that you are now completely shy in opening up to me, and rightly feel reserved in sharing your feelings. This new letter I hope will aid in bringing me back into your life fully and help reduce your reluctance in opening up to me again. I am ashamed of the words that previously filled this page, and am repentant for the way that they made you feel. I will now clarify how you were so right all those months ago, and that I was so wrong.   

You suggested that what we had was just a small problem that needed to be explained, and when that happened that you would be able to understand me and the situation more fully. You were completely right! You also suggested that I merely gave up on us. Again, you were right; I did give up on us.

I will now try to elaborate on that in a way that will make that whole situation make sense to you. 

        My work, my time: I had forgotten the amount of mental, emotional, and physical time that is required for a relationship; however, for an unhealthy amount of time I had also closed my heart to others. I had gone through the motions of being in a relationship, without actually getting mentally, emotionally, and physically involved. I selfishly did this with us, and as such, didn’t even give you or us a chance from the start. That was not fair to you at all, and I am so sorry. Truthfully, you are not a distraction from my work either in the forest or in the mess, I created an excuse, and hide behind it. I did give up on us; however now, given a choice between my work and you, I choose you. In fact, you are the most perfect “distraction” from the hectic nature of my work, and something that I desperately need in my life to survive. I was an idiot to think that there was even a choice to be made, I need both work and you, but I now know that you are the most important thing in my life and will only become more important to me as time goes on. I also now realize that currently I do have time and a very large place within me for you, it was only that I needed to open myself up and try. As such, I am sorry that I gave up on us, and I promise that will never happen again.  

  

          You, me, future: You described all the things that you like about me, and all the ways that you know we are good for each other. I was such an idiot that I did not listen to you then, and again, you were so perceptive and right in your evaluation of everything. I have recently tried to open myself up and to find all of those feelings for you, and as it turns out, I am madly in love with you. You are an attractive and wonderful person, you are faithful, you are incredibly patient, you are a good listener, you are a kind sole, and you always put others first before yourself. I am so sorry that I took those qualities for granted last year, but I now realize what a rare gem that you are. Our many phone conversations and our recent visits to Lake Toba highlighted that you are the woman that I have been searching for all of my life!!!! In particular, you made me nervous with a single glance, you gave me tingles in a kiss, and you give me inspiration from only a few words. I look forward to our phone conversations (and also fear hanging up the phone) and feel so much pain in missing you that I want to scream. I look forward to knowing you so well that the word ‘why’ becomes idle. Finally, I am most impressed that you clearly already had all the answers to our previous issues and now currently answer all my concerns merely by looking into my eyes. These are not things that can be worked on, these are feelings, and importantly they were feelings that could easily have been there between us a year ago, if I had not been so stubborn and blind.

As such, there was no problem between us, I did give up, and you had been so right all along. I am so sorry that it took me so much time to catch up with you, but I am glad that my thoughts of you and your wonderful nature slapped me in the face and told me what a selfish and desolate individual I was. You have taught me more about myself and this life than I could have ever read from any textbook. You know me better than I know myself. Thank you for accepting me back into your life and showing me yet again that you are someone to be cherished forever.     

With all my love,

Matt

p.s. – With this email, I look forward to visiting you in Surabaya, to seeing you when you come to visit Nias, to being with you in Bali, to another Lake Toba trip, and to the many other adventures that we will have in our life together.  As long as you are by my side, I will forever be traveling in paradise.